i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
