I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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