Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm way too hungover for life right now
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
