You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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