Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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