two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
