i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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