I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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