The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
