some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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