how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
