My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
