i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
