i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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