these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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