Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
