Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
