Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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