yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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