i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
how does that bad decision feel?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
