Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
