Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
