Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
