A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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