I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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