halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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