You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
