the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
