ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
