GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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