the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
