Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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