mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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