The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
