and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
