too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
