wanna go halves on a baby?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
