I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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