Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
