It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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