Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
