Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Houston, we have a squirter
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
