don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
