So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
