i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
