So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Randomize
