I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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