So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
What drink are we having for lunch?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
