The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
