Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
