you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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